Waiting

One day he started to feel a difficulty while swallowing… It was not important in the beginning; until he started feeling that the food is stuck in the middle of his chest… he could not support neither solid nor fluid nutriments… the gastroscopy was done, and showed an invasive tumor… with a poor prognosis… limited chemotherapy or radiotherapy… no one can do something… specially now, after that his cancer metastases to his head and liver… what to do now?!... The pain is not stoppable… morphine is making him sleepy all the day… no one activity…
Day after day the things are becoming worse… finally the tumor extended locally, and everything he take by mouth enter to the lungs…
He is feeling the cancer eating him…
A doctor visited him and said: I can do nothing for you…
The patient said: well… then what I can do?!...
The doctor said: nothing… you will wait until the death comes to take you…

“Did someone of you saw the lips shivering?!... The eyes looking white... a frozen unique tear…”

The patient said while trying to hide his feelings: well… it is the end then… will it be painful?
The doctor said: I will try all my best to make it non painful…

A silent moment filled the room with an empty image… I don’t know if it is white or black… I don’t know how he saw it…

The doctor replied: don’t think about euthanasia… I don’t do it… I will help you just to not have pain…
I have some palliative alternatives… we will send you to a green place, where you will be surrounded by cool music…

The patient said: no… I don’t need music… I will stay here… what can I do more?!...
Can he come while sleeping?!...

The doctor said: hope so… hope so…

The patient said: hope so…
And another frozen tear filled his eye…

Then he said again: I think it is early… all what I have came early… I didn’t even think about it…

The doctor said: did you finish all your needed papers…

The patient said: I signed all the papers…

The doctor said: do you believe?!

The patient said: no, I never believed…

The doctor replied: were you a good man in life?

The man said: I guess so…

Then no one found a word to continue… but as said to every patient before leaving, the doctor imitated his colleagues, and said: when you need me I’m here… while the patient was saying in his thoughts as said Mollière: I can die without a doctor’s help…

The night closed the ways of life by darkness… but something was happening in that room… it was the only one with on lamps… they were ranging the body that will be destroyed by his own bacteria…

It is too late for me to help him now… golden goals can be taken once… I was taken by feelings and chaos… and my faith is in its lowest levels… I remembered in the night a word said by this doctor: I’m not God to heal you…
But I remembered also that apostles were not God, and they healed many ones (by the power of God)…
Where am I from all of these believers?!
I’m just a little one fighting with mosquitoes, while forgetting my job…